STEVE HILL (Illustrator): Long, long ago in a village far, far away a golden boy-child was born. His smile brought joy to all who beheld it and was even whispered to have healing qualities. The boy-child grew up and spread happiness everywhere he went until one fateful day when he was 13. He was passing a pub one sun-drenched summer’s eve and spied a pint of cider that had been left abandoned by a patron who had had to leave suddenly after being told that his wife’s nose had spontaneously combusted. Tempted by the heady scent of pressed apples, the boy drew the golden nectar to his lips and drank… and drank… and drank until the pint was drained. A change came across the boy – the internal light of truth and beauty was suddenly extinguished, to be replaced by the lairy, drunkenly belligerent darkness of fermented apples. Within days, the child had become an angry, drunken sot, begging for pennies in the street to fuel his cider-frenzy…
Fortunately, that wasn’t Steve. Steve was born and has since lived quite happily, when not being bothered by cheeky monkeys – sadly this has become less possible in recent times after a particularly cheeky troupe of macaques moved into the next door flat. With a first class degree in Applied Goose Fettling from the University of Tashkent, you’d think that the sky was the limit for this urbane, witty and devilishly handsome man about town. However, the first floor has proved to be the limit, because his fear of heights won’t let him venture any higher – a fact that gives those cheeky macaques a huge advantage over him, enabling them to constantly make naughty gestures at him and taunt his hairstyle from the safety of the second floor and over-hanging trees. However, his fear of heights is as nothing compared with his morbid fear of depths, which will not allow him to go past the first step of a set of cellar stairs. If you ever see a man who has been reduced to a gibbering wreck by a slight dip in the pavement, you’re probably looking at Steve. And if he’s spattered in monkey doings, then you’re definitely looking at Steve.
Steve’s hobbies are: Dice, playing Polo at international level – the Kandahar Cup currently adorns his mantelpiece – Baccarat, Backgammon, and he is a keen collector of Qin Dynasty nutmeg graters.
VICTOR NASH (Writer): Enough was written about Victor Nash during his trial at the Old Bailey, that we need not rake over those old coals here. Suffice it to say, that the charges didn’t stick, there IS smoke without fire and he can’t be tried for the same offences again. He’s also very sorry about the threat he made to the lead prosecution witness and doesn’t intend to act upon it – mainly because something that large cannot by inserted into such an orifice. Therefore, let us give a potted history of this aficionado of Patum Peperium.
Born: Montevideo, Uruguay.
Occupation: Freelance Mortician and Houseboy (less of the latter since the trial, but he’s always open to good offers).
Age: Old enough to know better.
Hobbies: Really likes puppies and stuff; Amateur dissection/medical procedures.
Loves: The history and lore of central European vegetable pickling.
Hates: The Periodic Table – honestly, how are you supposed to guess ‘Tungsten’ from the letter ‘W’? Oh, it’s the first letter of the word ‘Wolfram’, yes, of course, well that makes perfect sense… in an alternate reality where they refer to Tungsten as Wolfram! ‘Hg’ for ‘Mercury’!! Are you people insane? How’s an 11 year-old supposed to remember all this rubbish?
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