Calorie the Cat's Bear Info Centre.
CALORIE'S BEAR SLIMMING TIPS.
Well, one would think that given your diet of nothing but bamboo shoots, you’d be fairly slim… but no! You’re a chubster. So what’s the problem? Frankly, stress is a major cause of obesity, and with your constant endangered status, exacerbated by poachers trying to turn you into rugs and a woeful lovelife, it’s no wonder you spend your days comfort eating. An exercise bike will help you work off your stress without the danger of getting capped by poachers. Your perfect slimming aid is a ThinQuick™ shake.
Keeping your weight down when you’re a desk jockey with 2.5 kids and a huge mortgage is never easy. But you’re not helping yourself by eating cookies, post prandial Twinkies and rootling through your neighbours’ trash for midnight snacks. Here’s a tip… STOP SNACKING!! It just ads to your waistline. Plus if you stop going through trash, you’ll no longer smell and you’ll cut down your chances of getting shot by a disgruntled neighbour. Your ideal exercise machine is a Nordic ski runner.
You’re a conundrum, wrapped up in a riddle, wrapped up in about a thousand pounds of fur and claws. You’re doing lots of swimming – more and more as the ice sheets melt – and yet you’re packing some major poundage. Why? Well, it’s all that fatty food. I’ve got news, lardy, seal blubber is phenomenally calorific! Try a nice green salad. Or tofu. Or an Eskimo – a fifth of the fat of a seal! Your perfect anti-oxidant is pomegranate juice.
You are fortunate because you have one of the healthiest diets in the world – rice, simple vegetables, large amounts of raw fish. That, plus your nocturnal excursions in the less salubrious districts of Macau leaves you looking fit, lithe and very sexyfull. But one warning, given some of the things you like to do… a lot of lubricants are high in sugar, so think about that before you go diving in – those high glycemic index levels aren’t good. Your favourite exercise aid… straps on.
It’s not really surprising that you’re a little flabby. You don’t care much about food – it’s just a distraction from work and reading – and your idea of exercise is getting up to put the kettle on. But remember the aphorism “Sit mens sana in corpore sano”. You need a balance of physical and mental. I’m not suggesting getting beasted by a personal trainer, just a brisk walk every day will do. Your ideal health book… is probably in Latin.
Yes… you decided to get healthy and started eating food with half the calories… but ended up eating three times more of it. Do the words ‘Hopeless case’ have any resonance? Your only chance is this – smash the TV remote so you’ve got to get up and go to the TV to change channels. With your channel hopping habit, you’ll easily make your ten thousand steps a day. Your best slimming aid is stomach stapling.
Foie Gras, caviar, smoked salmon, lobsters swimming in melted butter all washed down with vintage Champagne – it’s not exactly healthy, is it? Fortunately, your twice-yearly trips to that discreet clinic in Switzerland keep you looking trim and half your age. So what can I say? Try the soft shell crabs at Marco’s in London and tell Dr Gunter to keep up the good work. Your ideal health food option is Sterlet Caviar, due to its lower LDL cholesterol content.
Newsflash! Alcohol contains calories (not me, the kind that end up on your hips and butt). A keg of beer and half a bottle of Southern Comfort every night may well be a great recipe for fun – usually involving pick-up trucks, pump action shotguns and hapless squirrels – but it’s FATTENING! Replace every second drink with something low cal and non-alcoholic. Or even…. have a night without alcohol at all… hello? Have you just fainted? Your best diet aid is self control.
Koalas: Push off, tubby!
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