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Calorie the Cat's Bear Info.

Calorie the cat – always ready to help from one of the comedy books at Dredly.com

CALORIE'S BEAR DIY TIPS.

 

Panda Yin Yang Icon

    GIANT PANDA

DIY is difficult enough at the best of times, but when you’re highly endangered, going up a ladder to clear the guttering is just plain crazy! What were you thinking? No one was even holding the bottom of it for you and what with the poachers prowling your neighbourhood, you’re lucky to still be with us. Hire someone to do the outside work. Stick to what you know – chewing bamboo shoots and knocking back Viagra in the hope you’ll one day find a mate. Your ideal replacement glass should be bullet proof.

 

Statue of Liberty Icon    BLACK BEAR

With your toolbelt, hammer-action drill with 50 masonry bits, disk sander, goggles and protective headgear it’s clear that DIY is your religion… But try to actually FINISH a job for once. Don’t just get three quarters of the way through and then stop because you’re bored. Your shower room still leaks, the kitchen wiring is life threatening and that “gazebo” you built is devaluing your house. Finish the jobs before starting a new one. Your perfect tool is an industrial lathe.

 

Snow Bear Icon    POLAR BEAR

You’d think that with an average winter temperature of -40 you’d be great at building shelter. But no. Your idea of DIY is finding an igloo, eating the occupants and then complaining when you find they don’t have cable TV. It’s just not neighbourly. Try joining a woodwork class and hammer out your frustrations without eating someone for a change. Your ideal tool is a band saw.

 

Ghurka Knife Icon    ASIATIC BEAR

The only screwing you enjoy takes place in the backstreets of Bangkok. Nuff said. But you’re missing a trick. DIY equipment is perfect for satisfying your peccadilloes – and so much cheaper than most bondage gear. An industrial supply of black insulating tape, lengths of electric cable and sheets of rough sandpaper could keep you happy for months! Your favourite tool… Is probably your own.

 

Spectacles Icon    SPECTACLED BEAR

Now, although you’re jolly clever at intellectual things, when it comes to DIY you’re all fingers and thumbs. But that’s why God created Ikea – so folks like you can get the heady thrill of building something without actually doing proper DIY and thus endangering yourselves and others. So head for the land of the flat pack and 5 different kinds of herring! Your confusing instruction of the week is ‘Slot Tab A into aperture M while keeping your dowels aligned’.

 

Armchair Icon    SLOTH BEAR

Okay, here’s the news – pushing empty pizza boxes off the end of the sofa and onto the floor does not count as DIY. Neither does watching re-runs of Home Improvement while stuffing your face with Oreos. The closest you’ve ever come to building something was that Twinky tower… And that was only held together by sugar cream and frosting. Your ideal tool is one that opens the door for the pizza boy without you having to get up.

 

Happy Sun Icon    SUN BEAR

You and DIY go together like champagne and pickled onions. You don’t even know which end to hold a hammer. Fortunately, there are plenty of poor people around who do, so just hire some to do all your work. Now mix a perfect pitcher of Martini and then slowly get sozzled lying by the pool while Binky thrills you with tales of her latest colonic. Your ideal power tool… Is in the rough hands of a burly chap called Mick.

 

Teddy Bear Icon    BROWN/GRIZZLY BEAR

For you, DIY stands for Destroy It Yourself. Who needs drills and saws when you’ve got some dynamite and a sledge hammer? I know that you never liked the summerhouse Mrs. Pennyman built at the bottom of her garden, but was that really a good enough reason to blow it to smithereens? Next time she builds something twee or cutesy, put the dynamite down and slowly count to ten. And if that doesn’t work, get some counselling from Jim Beam. Your ideal tool is a pick axe.

 

Koalas: You may have very fresh breath and incredibly clear sinuses from all those eucalyptus leaves you eat, but the fact is that you’re still not bears. So I’m not going to bandy words with you.

 

Want to read more of Calorie's morally uplifting thoughts on ursine life?  CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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