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Calorie the Cat's Bear Info.

Calorie the cat – always ready to help from one of the comedy books at Dredly.com

CALORIE'S BEAR FASHION TIPS.

 

Panda Yin Yang Icon

    GIANT PANDA

OK we all know that black and white is a classic combo, but give it a rest for once! With all those poachers on your tail, maybe some camouflage gear would be in order? In fact, why not go for the whole ‘Rambo’ style commando outfit – red bandana, khaki combat trousers (with all those handy pockets!) and olive green T-shirt to show off your rippling muscles. Now go kick some poacher butt! Your perfect accessory is a bandolier of M60 bullets.

 

Statue of Liberty Icon    BLACK BEAR

Your nylon short-sleeved shirt, polyester trousers and plastic clip-on tie aren’t fashion statements, they’re fire hazards! Come on, ditch the drab and try some natural fibres for a change. Cool cotton shirts and well-cut linen trousers should do the trick and are great for both work and play. Your ideal fabric weave is twill.

 

Snow Bear Icon    POLAR BEAR

Yes, your clothing options are somewhat restricted by an average temperature of -20, but there’s still a lot you can do. Now, I’m going to say the F-word… Fur! For pretty much everyone else, fur is right out, but since you’re eating all the cute fluffy creatures anyway, you’d might as well make yourself some fashionable gear out of the fur while you’re at it. Your accoutrement of choice is an Arctic Fox stole.

 

Ghurka Knife Icon    ASIATIC BEAR

Whatever I recommend, I know full well that you’ll be off to the market to get cheap knock-off versions of it. You do realize that you’re just funding criminal gangs, don’t you? And you’re not fooling anyone with labels like Calvin Kleene and Timmy Hilfigger. Just remember to wash the knock-offs separately, otherwise their cheap dyes will run into the rest of your clothes and they’ll all come out grey. Your best buy has… Fallen off the back of a lorry.

 

Spectacles Icon    SPECTACLED BEAR

Brown corduroy jackets with leather patches on the elbows? It’s one thing to cultivate the intellectual look, but quite another to be a walking cliché of a 1960’s English teacher. If you’re going to stay stuck in the 60’s, at least be in the fashionable bit. Think velvet jackets and colourful silk shirts with moleskin trousers and Chelsea boots. Yeah baby! Your headgear of the week is a Leopard-skin pill-box hat.

 

Armchair Icon    SLOTH BEAR

A stinky string vest and a battered pair of old boxers with some suspicious stains on the back – that’s your usual attire around the house. Outside is little better – all the above with the addition of saggy elasticated jogging bottoms. Here’s a change of pace – think bling! Even though your ‘crib’ is a squalid cesspit, all you need to do to turn your image around is wash your clothes, buy a bunch of cheap jewellery and douse yourself in that Sean John perfume… If you can be bothered to get off the sofa. Your ideal stain remover is sulphuric acid.

 

Happy Sun Icon    SUN BEAR

With winter suits from your tailor in Saville Row, silk shirts from Hong Kong and your summer outfits from that darling little man you found in Milan, you’ve carved your fashion niche with typical flair. But you’ll be needing a costume for Bunny’s Carnival party in Venice, so how about a Harlequin outfit? I know a brilliant designer in Florence who can sort you out. Give me a call. Your accessory of the week is a Patek Philippe watch – expensive, but a classic, just like you!

 

Teddy Bear Icon    BROWN/GRIZZLY BEAR

What is it about living in the woods that makes everyone think they look good in red checked shirts? Lumberjacks, hunters and now you. And that battered old baseball cap does you no favours. All you need is a pick-up truck, a few less teeth and ten kids in tow and you’d fit right into a remake of ‘Deliverance’. Now come on, put the banjo down and get yourself into a nice Hawaiian shirt. Your shoes of the week are by Jimmy Choo.

 

Koalas: You’re Australian, so there’s no point talking fashion to you. Hats with corks on? You muppets! Besides which, as I believe I’ve mentioned before, you’re NOT a bear!

 

Want to read more of Calorie's morally uplifting thoughts on ursine life?  CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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