Calorie the Cat's Bear Info.

Calorie the cat – always ready to help from one of the comedy books at Dredly.com



Panda Yin Yang Icon


With your garden slowly being destroyed by logging companies and poachers lurking in your shrubbery, gardening could leave you feeling highly endangered this week. How about concentrating on window boxes and hanging baskets? They're easy to care for, look beautiful and allow you to keep out of range of the poachers, while still enjoying a bit of horticulture. Your garden implement of the week is the mattock.


Statue of Liberty Icon    BLACK BEAR

Now, I know that lawn means the world to you, but a little variation wouldn't hurt. All you've got in your garden is grass and it's BORING! A couple of herbacious borders would add a dash of much needed colour and will make a good talking point for the barbecues you've already lined up for next Summer. So go on - be adventurous! Put in a rockery... Or even a water feature. Your garden ornament of the week is a bird-feeder.


Snow Bear Icon    POLAR BEAR

Gardening north of the Arctic Circle is a struggle. You can hardly dig the ground because of the perma-frost and it makes me wince to think about the icicles hanging off your hardy perennials. But don't worry. Global warming will soon allow you to plant sub-tropical flowers wherever you like. So be patient and in about 30 years Greenland really will be green. Your flower of the week is the Snowdrop.


Ghurka Knife Icon    ASIATIC BEAR

First off, you shouldn't be angry with your cat for mistaking your miniature Japenese Garden for a litter tray. After all, it was nothing more than a three foot square tray filled with gravel and boasting one bonsai tree and three 'fascinating' rocks you picked up in Java. What's a cat to think? You should now throw the whole lot out, because you'll never get rid of the lingering smell and the cat will just keep using it. Try a miniature Mexican Garden with cacti. I can guarantee your cat will steer well clear. Your air freshener of the week is Mountain Breeze.


Spectacles Icon    SPECTACLED BEAR

As well-read bears, you know all about the advantages of going organic, but maybe full self-sufficiency is taking it a bit far. Your neighbours have already complained about the chickens, and it's only a matter of time before the smell of the pigs becomes all-pervasive. To be honest, an apartment block isn't the ideal place to experiment with the organic lifestyle choice. But I suppose you know best. One word of warning: don't get goats - they'll eat your carpets. Your fertilizer of the week is compost mulch.


Armchair Icon    SLOTH BEAR

You are waiting for the day genetic engineers create trees that have deep pan pizzas instead of leaves and sprout cheeseburgers in Spring. Until then, your garden will remain an overgrown mess of weeds. Even the broken bicycle you threw in there as a 'feature' has been swallowed up by the brambles. Not that you've noticed. After all, the only time you prize yourself off the sofa is to answer the call of Nature, or the door for another food delivery. Your pot plant of the week... has died of neglect.


Happy Sun Icon    SUN BEAR

For you, the garden is the place where you lie back on a sun lounger, drinking pina-coladas and swapping tanning tips with George Hamilton. But if you could pass this advice on to your head gardener, Raoul, that would be great... Raoul, it's best to divide your bearded irises six weeks after flowering. And don't allow the wisteria to grow round the drainpipes, because their woody stems expand and can cause damage. Your lucky plant feed is ericaceous.



Gardening really isn't your thing. The closest you get is when you go foraging for food in people's bins and then scatter the contents across the lawn. I'm no psychiatrist, but this is definitely anti-social behaviour. What's wrong with you? You see a thing of beauty and either eat it or crap on it. Well no more! This is your last warning, buddy. Stay out of my yard or I'm going to buy some bear traps. Comprende? Your fencing of the week is razor wire.


Now, I've told you Koalas before, you aren't a bear. You're not welcome here. Just go!


Want to read more of Calorie's morally uplifting thoughts on ursine life?  Go back to the ARCHIVE
















Want to buy one of our comedy books? AMAZON.COM  AMAZON.CO.UK

Want to know when Calorie is posting again? Follow @VictorJNash  




©Victor Nash And Steve Hill.   To Protect And Serve... is not our motto.