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Calorie the Cat's Bear Info.

Calorie the cat – always ready to help from one of the comedy books at Dredly.com

CALORIE'S BEAR HOROSCOPES.

 

Panda Yin Yang Icon

    GIANT PANDA

With the Sun in Virgo and Poachers in the forest you're feeling particularly endangered today. In affaires of the heart, your unlucky streak will continue. Maybe you should try a dating agency. Alternatively, get yourself caught by a zoo and they'll supply you with an endless stream of different lovers. Your lucky member of the Royal Family today is Prince Philip.

 

Statue of Liberty Icon    BLACK BEAR

As there are about half a million of you in America alone, it might seem odd that your horoscope should group you all together, but let's face it, that's what horoscopes always do. So, you'll all wake up with a headache today. The kids will be late for school, the waste disposal's still on the fritz and Mr Liebowitz will be round at about 4 to ask for his lawnmower back. Destiny drives a golf buggy.

 

Snow Bear Icon    POLAR BEAR

There is a possibility you will be filmed by a documentary team today. So, unless you want the intimate details of your private life splashed across BBC1 in primetime, keep your head down. Also, seals might be difficult to find. Your lucky member of the Royal Family is Princess Anne.

 

Ghurka Knife Icon    ASIATIC BEAR

We all know that your scientific name literally means 'Moon Bear of Tibet', but that is no excuse for constantly displaying your arse in public. It's not mature and it's not clever, so just quit it! There may be tension at work today, because you've photocopied your arse and sent it to all your workmates... again. Your lucky Royal is Prince Edward - it figures...

 

Spectacles Icon    SPECTACLED BEAR

As the intellectuals of the bear world, you are not superstitious and don't have time to read this kind of trite rubbish. But just in case you are reading this, I'd just like to recommend the play 'Art'. A provocative work of art leads three friends to question not only their aesthetic values, but also the very nature of their friendship - brilliant! Your lucky smell is lily of the valley.

 

Armchair Icon    SLOTH BEAR

Between 'Diamante Hour' on the Shopping Channel and an array of confrontational talk shows filled with idiots shouting abuse at each other, your morning's entertainment is sorted! And what with re-runs of Columbo and quiz shows all afternoon to carry you through to the early evening Australian soaps, you have absolutely no reason to get up off the sofa. Just order a pizza, kick up your heels and relax - after all, you can't fight ten thousand years of adaptive evolution. Your lucky Royal is Fergie.

 

Happy Sun Icon    SUN BEAR

Your perma-tan's looking good, but use some moisturiser or you'll end up looking like a prune. The Seychelles are a particular hotspot at the moment, and Buffy is going to phone you later and give you an open invitation to use her cottage. One word of warning: a friend might be angry with you today - have you been stealing George Hamilton's Ambre Solaire again? Your lucky pickle is the gherkin.

 

Teddy Bear Icon    BROWN/GRIZZLY BEAR

Whether brown or grizzly, you are the same bear underneath: crotchety, bad tempered and ill mannered. You will end up chasing some hikers again today. Basically, you aren't winning any friends, especially because of what you keep doing in the woods. Why can't you go in the public toilets? Other people have to use the woods too, you know. Destiny wears a checked shirt and carries a very big rifle.

 

Want to read more of Calorie's morally uplifting thoughts on ursine life?  CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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©Victor Nash And Steve Hill.   To Protect And Serve... is not our motto.