33

Homeward Bound And Gagged.

"Flight BF 627 to London Heathrow is now boarding from Gate 23."
"Hey, like, that's us!" Greta picked up her duty free bag. "C'mon Dredly!"
"Give me a chance..." Dredly was fumbling through his wallet at the till. "And you're sure it was 'Chesterfields' that Calorie wanted?"
"Yes, he loves what he calls 'their cool taste and easy-smoking style', whatever that means." Sage replied.
"You guys shouldn't be encouraging that cat's bad habits." Greta chided.
"Given the choice of these or that noxious pipe tobacco of his, I'd rather have these."
Dredly finished paying and they headed for the plane with Sage leading the way. He was desperate to get back to Blighty and put the whole, sorry affair behind him. Two days had passed since they had been dragged from the jaws of death. Fernando's operation had been smashed and most of the gang rounded up. The FBI were especially pleased to catch the Florentine footwear fiend Caracciolo. He had been on their most wanted list for years, if only because it was rumoured that he'd found a stylish way of correcting flat feet. There was one notable escapee, however. The Stasi gnome. When the police had arrived, it had seen them coming and posed as a garden ornament. Then later, during the clean-up operation, it got picked up by a removal man, but before he could put it into the truck it overpowered him and made a getaway. The incident left Sage worried. Would the creature be able to track them back to London and wreak its revenge? The Feds had thought not. In their experience most gnomes gone bad had little loyalty to anyone but themselves. It would probably have already got a new job with some American crime syndicate.
Sage glanced back at Greta as they swept along the moving walkway towards their Gate. She had done a great job. She had single pawedly saved not only him and Dredly from death, but the world from a deluge of vicious hamsters, pocket fluff and faulty ring pulls. Of course, the plan to drown Barnstaple in jelly was still set to go ahead later in the year - the Feds didn't see the need to ruin all of Fernando's plans. Even so, it was the bear that had saved the day and a grateful America had honoured her with their highest decoration - now she was a full Mouseketeer, with free entry to all Disney facilities for life. She had been overjoyed and rather overexcited, and although she had messed on the Presidential carpet, she had promised that she would pay for the cleaning bill. But now they were on their way home! Dredly had phoned Albert, and once he had convinced him that he wasn't trying to sell him double-glazing, he had told Albert to meet them at the airport with Calorie and the car. Everything was set.

They went through boarding control without a hitch and were soon passing along the disconcertingly springy floored gantry between the terminal building and the plane. However, they were soon caught up in a queue. Ahead of them an incredibly fat man had managed to wedge himself in the door of the plane. Sweat was dripping down the rolls of flab bulging between the top of his collar and his head. The stewardesses had lost their usual grace as they tugged on the man's chubby arms. Finally one of them took both his hands and, with a foot on either side of the door, walked her way up the side of the plane until she was three feet off the ground and at right angles to the wall, using the full power of her legs to pull the man through. Dredly reckoned the guy must have had a great view up her skirt... Suddenly there was a loud 'plop' and the man lurched into the cabin. The stewardess's plan had worked, though there was a price, for the man sprawled on top of her. Surely she'd be crushed! To Dredly's surprise, the fat man got off her and she wasn't even winded - amazing! He made a mental note that if stewardesses were that tough, he'd really have to start dating one.

The flight back to London was non-descript. Just the usual round of vomiting kids, young couples trying to join the 'mile high' club and idiotic women who had spent their time in duty free trying on as many perfumes as they could without stopping to think that their fellow passengers might not enjoy being cooped up for eight hours with the sickening stench of their 'eclectic' mix of clashing scents.
"I managed to try on nine!" The woman in front of Sage announced proudly. Greta restrained him as his hands went to strangle the woman.
"Hey, be calm. We're heroes. We don't off members of the public just 'cos they smell bad."
Sage became grumpy and spent the rest of the journey breathing through his jumper. When they landed in London it was mid afternoon and very sunny, with that wonderful Spring sunshine which has the clarity of Winter but the warmth of the promise of Summer. As soon as the seatbelt light winked off, there was a mad rush for the exits - nobody wanted to get stuck behind the fat man again. While he was still struggling to release himself from his seat, Sage, Dredly and Greta managed to get past. They were glad - there was no telling how long he'd have taken to get off the plane. Passport control wasn't a problem coming back into Britain, although despite his requests to see her, Sage was not allowed to be investigated by the same passport controller as he had dealt with on the outward journey.
"It's not fair!" Sage lamented. "I knew I should have asked her to marry me that first time we met. When you find a woman who can carry out a strip search with slick professionalism, you should hold onto her for life!"

They made their way to the baggage re-claim hall and waited amidst the crowds for their luggage. Twenty minutes passed, the crowds diminished. After forty minutes, they were the only people left in the hall and there was only one bag left on the carousel, making a lonely journey around and around. It was only then that they remembered that they didn't have any baggage to re-claim, as it had all been lost after their kidnap from Bermuda.
"That one must belong to the fat guy." Greta observed as the single bag went past again. "D'you reckon he's still stuck in..." She left her sentence unfinished as the man appeared at the exit from passport control. He was wheezing and he walked slowly towards them. His gait was ungainly - probably due to his immense bulk.
"Well come on then. No use us hanging round here if we've got nothing to collect."

Dredly said breezily and they made their way towards the passenger pick up area. Yet as they walked something didn't seem quite right. Dredly looked around - nothing untoward. Just a big, empty room... A big empty room? Baggage re-claim at Terminal 3 was never empty. Dredly turned and looked back to see if any more passengers were on their way in - maybe they'd all got stuck behind the fat guy... The sight that met his eyes was for a split second confusing and then answered all his questions. The fat man was pulling a tube from his bag and putting it to his lips.
"The gnome!" Dredly screamed. Sage and Greta swivelled, but too late. The fat man blew hard and a moment later Sage felt a sharp jab in the side of his neck. Everything melted into one fluid motion: Sage crying out and toppling backwards into Greta; Greta dropping her duty free; shattering glass and a fortune in whisky and perfume spilling onto the shiny tiled floor; Dredly sprinting forward; the fat man fumbling in his pocket; Greta swearing about her broken bottles; Dredly halfway to the fat man; the fat man loading up his blowpipe; Sage crumpled; Greta licking up what booze she could; Dredly leaping; fear in the fat man's eyes...
Then Dredly was on it, ripping the blowpipe from its lips and tearing at the disguise. There was nothing the gnome could do - the man seemed to have been imbued with superhuman strength! Now they were face to face. The gnome's chubby cheeks were taut with strain as it tried in vain to hold the man off, but he had the stern visage and righteous might of one gaining revenge for a bad haircut. The gnome knew it had come to the end of the line. It would be captured and face the only punishment humans had for gnomes - it would be dipped in concrete, have a miniature fishing rod stuck in its hand and then it would spend the rest of its days brightening up someone's garden. The shame of it! But it was not about to let that happen. It was Oberfuhrer Franz Finkel of the Furstenwalde Finkels. It came from the proud Prussian gnome warrior class and it would die with honour! It felt in its pocket, found what it wanted. Before Dredly knew what was happening the gnome had slipped something into its mouth. What new danger was this? It bit hard into the pill, looked into Dredly's eyes, smiled because it knew it had taken Sage with it to its doom and then ceased its struggle.

Dredly looked in horror as the eyes turned upwards in their sockets and the mouth spluttered and foamed. He let the gnome go and stood up. It lay lifeless on the ground.
"Blimey! What happened to it?" It was Sage's voice.
"Suicide capsule. Looks like sherbet - loved by kids, lethal to gnomes..." Dredly trailed, stared at Sage in disbelief - he looked fine! "But didn't it hit you with a dart?" Dredly stammered.
"Yeah and it really stung, too!" Sage nursed the mark on the side of his neck.
"But shouldn't you be dead?"
"No way. I've got the strength of an ox - remember?"
"Yes, so?"
"So those darts are only lethal on humans. I've got the metabolic rate of an ox. It would take a chocolate dart ten times more concentrated to kill me."
"Well, there's a lucky happenstance." Sighed Dredly as the security guards arrived.

An hour later they emerged into the main arrivals meeting hall. There in the crowd, holding up a sign with 'Stephanie Powers' written on it, was Albert.
"I knew he'd get the message wrong." Dredly sighed. "I told him that we'd defeated the evil powers and could he meet us at the airport."
"If he's so deaf why doesn't he, like, wear a hearing aid device?" Greta asked.
"He does... He's just stupid, that's all."
"Albert!" Sage shouted.
"Sage! Dredly! The Other One!"
"Greta!" Said Greta.
"Of course, Clarabell!" Albert cried, "Well, what a coincidence meeting you here. Me and Calorie are here to pick up Stephanie Powers.
"Er... Actually..." Dredly explained the confusion, but Albert was convinced he was there on a different mission.
"No, I'm sure she wanted picking up." Albert was adamant. "She said quite clearly that I was the winner of a prize draw and that she was to be my love-slave for the rest of my life."
"Albert, it was me you were talking to." Dredly insisted.
"Well if you want to be my love-slave, you'd better lose some weight and get a blonde wig."
Sage decided to steer the conversation away from the unthinkable, "Where's Calorie?"
"Waiting out in the car - they wouldn't let him smoke his pipe in here, so he's in a huff."
"Come on, let's get him to drive us home and we'll all have a nice cuppa." Sage took Albert by the elbow and they walked towards the exit. Albert threw his cardboard sign into a bin.
"Bloody Hollywood stars! Can't trust 'em as far as you can throw 'em." And they left the building.
Five minutes later Stephanie Powers walked into the arrivals meeting hall. She wasn't happy with the turn her life had taken, but she was a professional, she would grin and bear it. Her single case contained the sexiest lingerie she owned and a manual titled 'How To Pleasure Dirty Old Men Until They Die Of Happiness'. She checked her watch. She was sure she'd said 3.30...

Calorie was sitting in the Jag with the engine running and the window down. With his driving cap cocked at a jaunty angle and his elbow resting nonchalantly on the open window as he puffed smoke rings from his pipe, he looked every inch the cat about town.
"Reiow!" He said as they got into the car. The three adventurers happily patted the fat cat on the head and tickled him under the chin and behind the ear.
"Cals, you're a sight for sore eyes!" Dredly laughed as he spoke. Somehow, seeing the cat confirmed that he was home and that the danger was finally passed. Calorie gave the engine a playful rev and pulled away. It was a perfect day for their triumphant return and the wind on their faces from the open window was warm and welcoming. They were all glad. Glad that they had defeated evil, glad that their adventure was over, glad to be driving home to hot baths and a relaxing drink. All was at peace. Blackbirds twittered in the treetops, squirrels played in the parks, flowers swayed in the gentle Spring breeze. Somewhere in the distance a wild goose honked, following its migratory path...

A wild goose? Sage and Dredly looked at each other in horror.
"Calorie, NO!"
But Calorie's eyes had narrowed and his whiskers were twitching. He pulled a tight handbrake turn and slammed the pedal to the metal...

THE END...

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