13

Hair Today...

Dredly, strapped fast to the chair, looked in the barber's mirror fearfully as the gnome toyed with his hair. Meanwhile, Dredly’s mirror image stared back at him, terrified. Having been caught unawares by the gnome’s trick chair, he too would suffer whatever the gnome had up its sleeve – and although the gnome’s sleeve was, like its arms, quite short, there was sure to be something nasty up there. Dredly’s mirror image looked like he was going to speak, but Dredly made a ‘No, don’t do that, you might just incense the crazy bastard even more’ facial expression. The silence thickened as the gnome looked closely at the hairs held loosely in its little fist.
"It seems that you have some split ends, Mr. Dredly. They'll need cutting off..."

Dredly's bowels turned to water. He was sweating and afraid. The gnome's menacing leer met his gaze in the mirror. It was a disturbing looking creature. It had the size and the attire of an ordinary, merry little garden gnome. Its cheeks were rosy and a bit chubby, its hair white and curling gently from the base of its red floppy hat, but its eyes... They were not the innocent, laughing eyes of the garden gnome. No, these were the eyes of a killer - deep-set, small and with a sharp cruelty that was heightened all the more by its mouth. It was a mouth to which the snarl came naturally, but which relaxed itself into a merry grin as its natural state. This marriage of generally welcoming features with those deathly eyes and clearly evil disposition, resulted in the nightmare physiognomy at which Dredly was now staring with steadily mounting fear.
"You would be well advised not to underestimate me."
The gnome was being matter-of-fact. With a flick of his thumb, the shears buzzed into life, then the clatter of the shears against the teeth of the comb rent the air. Blonde hair fell to the floor. Dredly cried out.
"We shall start with half an inch off all round, just to get the split ends out of the way, and then..."
"Have you no decency?" Dredly sobbed.
"No." The gnome replied simply, taking another fistful of Dredly's locks. "For twenty years I was a member of the East German Stasi - hairdressing division. I have done things to hair that would give a punk hairstylist nightmares. I even worked with the women's shot-put and hammer throwing teams for the 1980 Olympics."
"But surely their hair was universally unkempt?"
"The hair on their heads was not my department. But they had the most stylish armpit hair of any of the Eastern block countries!" The gnome's voice rose to a shrill screech at the end of the sentence, in the best traditions of the psychotic German villain. Dredly wondered whether they all went to the same elocution school. The buzz-cutters continued to tear into his delicate follicles. Years of growth were being sliced away in a matter of seconds. He had to try to do something - but what? He was pinned solidly to the chair. The gnome continued its rant.
"But then the Cold War ended. The Iron Curtain came down and I was branded a criminal! My methods of coiffuring were questioned and my licence to curl was revoked. Since then I have been living in Zurich working for those who need my particular skills."
"Assassination and depilation." The words fell, cold, from Dredly's mouth. Even if he got away from this with his life, could he get away with his hair?
"Also!" The gnome resorted to his native German as he finished the first phase of his work with Dredly's hair. The gnome hopped off its box, placed the electric shears on the shelf and picked up a rubber swimming style hat. As it brought the hat closer, Dredly noticed the holes all over it. This could only mean one thing... Highlights! Dredly struggled against his bonds, but it was no use. He was held fast. He had to think! There must be a way out!

The gnome snapped the rubber of the cap onto Dredly's head and then pulled a long metal instrument from its back pocket. The design was simple, but deadly. The gnome would pull tufts of Dredly's hair through the rubber cap with the implement, making them easy targets for the dye that would come later.
"Now, I shall ask you some questions and you will reply."
The metal instrument hung in the air, millimetres from Dredly's scalp.
"Was it fun?" The question was curt and harsh, like a spectacle case snapping shut.
"What?"
"Was it fun?" The metal was pushed through one of the holes in the rubber and the cold steel stung Dredly's skin.
"Was what fun?"
"Was it fun?" The implement was twisted, twining hairs around it.
"But I don't understand. I don't know what it is you want me to..."
"Was it fun?" The question had a finality about it.
"Er..." Dredly stammered.
With a dull twang, the gnome yanked the twined hair through the rubber cap. Dredly yelped as the movement tugged sharply at the roots.
"Yes! Yes it was fun! It was really fun!"
Again the implement was plunged through a hole in the cap.
"Okay! I hated it! It wasn't fun!"
The twist and the yank came together this time. The pain was sharp, like being stabbed with a lemon.
"I don't know what you want me to talk about!" Dredly pleaded.
"Your holiday - was it fun?"
Dredly's fear turned to terror.
"No! Not the holiday!" The gnome was going to torture Dredly with the most feared of all hairdresser conversations.
"I went to Marbella." It continued.
"Oh God, no!" Dredly groaned. The fiend had even pronounced both 'L's' in 'Marbella'.
"It was wonderful. Oh I just love southern Spain at this time of year, don't you?" The question was accompanied by more hair being pulled through the cap. Dredly didn't know how much more of the torture he could stand. Things had already started going grey. Somewhere in the distance a voice spoke.
"I've got a lovely little time share - 'course, I can only use it for two weeks in the winter, but even so..."
Dredly endured ten minutes of hell, being told about the details of tummy trouble and the inadequacies of the Spanish sewer system. All that stopped him from blacking out were the regular jabs of pain as his hair was tugged and teased. But then, after a valiant struggle, even Dredly's strength had to give. Mercifully, he blacked out.

The gnome stopped talking and looked sneeringly down at the man in its power.
“Ha! Worthless and weak!” It cried, then slapped Dredly back into consciousness.
"Wake up!" It ordered. "I have more questions."
"Please..." Dredly could hardly find the energy to plead for his release.
"Answer my question!" Another slap. "Now... " The gnome sounded serious, like it really wanted some information. Yes, that was its game, Dredly surmised, soften him up with holiday burble, then hit him with the real interrogation.
"Who d'you fancy for the Cup - Newcastle or Arsenal?" The gnome's cruelty was phenomenal. "Normally I'd say Arsenal, but I think they're going to be too busy concentrating on the Champions League to give the Cup serious..."

Blimey! Can Dredly's hair take much more punishment? And when it's all over, will Dredly give the gnome a tip? And who won last week's fabulous competition?

Find out in the next beautifully styled chapter...