32

Tragic Act.

Fernando put his weapons onto a small trolley which Pauline wheeled over to Dredly's table. So! He would be the first to go. This was bad. Very bad. This wasn't the kind of thing he liked to do in his spare time. He was too young to become a magic act fatality statistic! He had to stall them! Fernando walked over to the table and looked down at his prospective victim.
"Any last requests?"
"Don't kill me."
"Nice try, sonny, but you don't win the prize pig."
Fernando picked up the saw and tested its flexibility. As he did, Pauline leant forward to speak to Dredly. He was pleased to find that he had an excellent view of her ample, perfumed bosoms - nice!
"Don't worry," She said, "It'll only be excruciatingly painful for the first five minutes. After that it's all right, apparently."
"I'll bear that in mind." Dredly replied.
"Just thought I'd mention it. Cheer you up a bit. After all, we are human."
"Pauline, stop nattering and put the music on."
She tottered across the room on her unfeasibly high heels and pressed a button on the wall. The sound of an organ playing a frightening minor chord burst from corner speakers, then segued into... A Bon-tempi home organ version of the Girl From Ipanema! Dredly wanted to cry. The tacky ignominy of it all was deeply depressing.
"So!" He said forcefully, "What did you do before becoming the most horrible man in the world?"
Fernando stared back at him, confused. "Can't you guess?"
"Bricklayer?" Sage suggested.
"No, his hands are far too nice for that." Dredly mused, "Did you work in a bank?"
"No, it's obvious - look at me!" He stood back and put out his arms as if accepting applause.
"Deep sea diver?"
"What?"
"Of course!" Dredly had it.
"Yes?" Fernando brightened.
"You were an interior designer. That's why you've done such a good job on this place. The coving in here's very neat..."
"I was a magician! And Pauline was my assistant. You two really are daft!" Fernando shook his head and prepared to saw.
"And what happened? Why did you give it up?"
Fernando stopped. His eyes glazed as if he were seeing the moment that changed his life. He snapped back to reality.
"Er... No reason."
"Pauline?" Dredly turned to the shapely assistant.
"Well, it was 'cos of these kids..."
"Pauline! We don't want to go airing our dirty laundry in public."
"But we're going to kill him anyway, so it won't do any harm telling him. At least he'll die without having a niggling question on his mind."
"Oh all right..." Fernando put the saw back on the trolley. Dredly inwardly sighed. Where the hell were the police?
"It all happened one evening in Barnstaple. We'd fallen on hard times and had resorted to doing kiddies' parties... And to think we were once third on the bill in Blackpool behind Jimmy Cricket and Rose Marie!" He sighed with a faraway, happy look on his face, but then it hardened.
"So we turned up at the house bang on time - that's one thing you could always say about us, we might not have topped the bill, but we were punctual - but the children were still eating. I told the mother that it was handy because it would give us time to set up, but she insisted we start straight away. She said she'd give the little terrors their pudding while they were watching the act. I protested, but it was to no avail. She said we had to perform right then and there or not at all. Well, we had to do it. We were desperate for the money - my aunty Mable had died three weeks earlier and we hadn't been able to afford to bury her and the smell... Birds had stopped flying over the house... So against our better judgement we went ahead with the act. I was worried. There's only one thing worse than playing to an audience of kids and that's an audience of kids armed with jelly." Fernando shuddered, and even Sage and Dredly had sympathy for the man in spite of the fact that he intended to murder them horribly.

"So they filed the brats in and we started the act. Then I saw him! The worst enemy a magician can have - a child who'd seen our act the previous week at another party. When I got to my first joke he shouted out the punchline. He ruined everything - spoilt every joke, gave away every trick, and I couldn't shut him up. Obviously I wanted to belt him one, but two of the mothers were there. Doesn't look good when the entertainers start duffing up the children... We soldiered on, but that little bastard got bolder and the rest of the kids started joining in the heckling. Well, you know what kids are like - merciless terrors the minute you show any signs of weakness... If I had a division of troops like that I could take over the world, though it would have to be in school holidays, obviously... Anyway, they started getting rowdy, they scared the budgie in my top pocket and intimidated the rabbit so much it refused to come out of the hat. Then Pauline's usually show-stopping balloon animal routine went terribly wrong..."

"It was the humidity." She explained, "The rubber wouldn't stick to itself... Took me five minutes to make a giraffe and it unravelled itself the second I put it down."
"That was when the first jelly got thrown." Said Fernando, "Hit me in the left ear. Thrown by the little bugger who'd started them off. Next thing we knew we were under attack. It was a barrage of jelly. Then they stormed the stage... Captured the rabbit for a trophy and drove us from the house. It was pissing with rain and as I stood there in the street with my tailcoat in tatters, an earful of jelly and the electrics in my spinning bow tie shorting and making it spin intermittently, I swore that I would have my revenge on a world that could allow artistes to be treated so disgracefully... And I can tell you this much for free - the people of Barnstaple will soon wish those kids had never heard of jelly, 'cos I'm going to drown them in a river of the stuff!” Fernando’s voice had reached a screaming fever pitch. He stopped and reached into his top pocket for a handkerchief. After pulling about 3 yards of cloth out of his pocket, he wiped his face with it and deliberately calmed himself before he continued.

“Well, that night we launched ourselves on a career of crime by holding up a couple of ice cream vans, and we've never looked back since, have we dear?"
"No." Pauline agreed.
"Right, well, now you know why I am what I am, can I kill you?" Fernando picked up the saw and put it against the side of the box - this was it! He stopped. This wasn't it!
"Damn! The tape's finished. I can't commit calculated acts of malevolent magic without a backing track. Re-wind it to the start."
Pauline did as she was told with a bright smile. Even though he was in imminent danger of death, Dredly had to admire her style and above all her consummate professionalism. The tape started to re-wind slowly.
“Sorry about this…” Fernando apologised to Dredly, “It’s ruined the dramatic tension.”
Frankly, Dredly couldn’t give a crap, but he smiled sympathetically.
“I’ve been meaning to get an iPod with one of those remote controlled sound dock thingies, but you know what it’s like when you’re trying to destroy the fabric of civilization – you never get any time to yourself. I haven’t been out for just a simple look round the shops in ages…” Fernando burbled.
Normally Dredly would have been bored witless by the banality of the man, but in that instance, he didn’t mind. Firstly, the longer the mad magician was stalled, the more time Greta had to destroy the cloaking device; and secondly, while the tape was re-winding, Fernando couldn’t start sawing him in half.
“And social life? Eeh! We haven’t seen a film or been to a jazz club in months, have we Pauline?”
“No.” She said sadly. “He’s up working ‘til midnight most nights.”
Sage had never really trusted people who worked hard and now he knew why – because they were invariably psychotic nutters!
Finally the tape re-wound and the music began once more. Pauline tottered back to the side of the table. Fernando grinned cruelly and the teeth of the saw bit into the wood...

'Ding dong!' A doorbell sounded. Fernando stopped. Dredly breathed again.
"Bugger! Who the hell's that? You expecting anyone?"
"No, my mother isn't due for another week." Pauline replied.
"Oh well never mind. Someone'll answer it. And if I get disturbed halfway through cutting this one in two, I'll finish him off later." Fernando was matter of fact.
"You bastard!" Dredly breathed. "I want you to know one thing - I've never liked you."
"Ha! Like I care?"
"And I think the coving in here's rather tasteless - not to mention slightly out of line in that corner." Dredly indicated the offending plasterwork with a flick of his head.
"Where...?" Fernando looked momentarily offended, then hardened, "Hang on... You think I'll spare you if you offer to straighten up the coving? Textbook delaying tactics! You'll have to do better than that if you want to defeat me!" His eyes glinted with victory.
"Now for the magic words, children - Asty, Basty, let's get Nasty!" Fernando cried and the saw started to eat its way through the wood, spitting dust as it sought out Dredly's soft, tasty flesh. Dredly desperately tried to make himself as thin as possible and wished he hadn't eaten so many club sandwiches when he'd been in Bermuda. He could feel the breeze from the encroaching blade. Closer... Closer... Was that the first graze of the cold steel? There was a loud crack and the sound of many voices. Torch lights flooded the room.
"Stop right there!" Shouted a man. Dredly strained his neck and caught sight of half a dozen official looking men. Fernando was affronted by the intrusion.
"You're going to pay for that door, matey!" He squealed. "Anyway, this is private property, so get out!"
The men surged into the room. They all had guns. Dredly was overjoyed.
"Okay, put the saw down and step away from the magic trick!" The first man ordered, levelling his gun at Fernando's head. Fernando complied. "I'm Agent Henstridge, FBI Town Planning division..."
Fernando went visibly pale. "Oh... Er... And how can I help you gentlemen?"
"Answer one question: Do you have planning permission for this... Hey what is this place?"
"It's a citadel of evil." Pauline prompted.
"Whatever - you got planning permission for it laughing boy?"
"Planning permission? Oh... Er... Hahaha... Isn't it hot in here... Well, actually there's quite a funny story about our planning application... You see, I had everything ready to go when I accidentally ran over the neighbour's cat... And, well, I had to take it to the vet..."
"The answer's 'no' isn't it?"
"But don't you want to hear the funny story?"
"Yes or no?"

"Er... No. Not as such, not full planning permission... But we were planning to get the permission - does that count?" Fernando had broken into a heavy sweat. He knew it was all over.
"We don't take kindly to strangers building without permission round here, boy." Said a fat man with a Sheriff's badge.
"And you've broken a number of Federal building laws: the planting of rhododendrons in a built up area; the use of koi carp without a licence; ill-advised and badly thought-out trellis work - the list is endless. We've got enough here to put you away for a very long time."
"Bugger!" Fernando squawked.
"And what about kidnapping, attempted murder and forcing innocent bystanders to take part in magic tricks?" Sage asked.
"No, we can't get him on any of those. But if he'd dug up your garden we could throw the book at him. Okay, boys, take these two away."
Fernando and Pauline were cuffed and led away while Sage and Dredly were released.
"Don't think this is the end of it. I'll get even with you two!" Fernando threatened.
"See ya, Colin!" Sage waved. It was easy being brave when the men with the guns were on his side.
"Damn it! I hate leaving a performance unfinished... " Fernando cursed as he was pushed through the door.

"Well it was nice to have met you." Said Pauline. "We'll probably be put in a high security prison, but feel free to come and visit - don't be strangers." And then they were led away.

So our heroes are victorious and the villains are off to jail, so what's the next chapter going to be about? Will it tie up the loose ends, or are there more twists yet to come in this thrilling adventure?

Find out in the next over-hyped chapter...